The Scream of the Shalka
A BBC Webcast for the 40th Anniversary. Original Airdate: 13 Nov 2003.
Starring Richard E Grant as the Doctor.
Part Three - Trouble on the Move
[Cave]
(The Doctor, Kennet and a group of troops are by the cave entrance. The soldiers are in combat gear. The Doctor, naturally, hasn't changed. Kennet is speaking into a radio.)
KENNET: Copy that. Engage with high explosives. Kennet out. Just heard from the helicopter units. An evacuation truck is under attack.
DOCTOR: Blast. I thought the explosion would hold them off. They're surprising me, which is worrying and it's odd. Why continue the punishments after the town's been evacuated?
GREAVES: I don't know. Maybe they're alien monsters who don't give a flying...
KENNET: Greaves.
GREAVES: Sorry, sir.
KENNET: This is a recon mission. We find the enemy, fix their position, then either retreat for or call in reinforcements.
DOCTOR: How nice for you. I'm just after my TARDIS.
(Kennet cocks a gun and holds it up to the Doctor.)
KENNET: Here you are, Doctor.
DOCTOR: I'm here under duress, remember that, Major. Don't you ever offer me a gun again!
[Shalka Lair]
(Alison is chained between two pillars. She looks around as the Shalka continue shrieking. The Prime approaches her.)
ALISON: I am not going to let you control me. Whatever you are. I'm not your zombie.
(The Prime screeches at Alison, knocking her unconscious. It presses one of its fingers against her forehead, drawing a trickle of blood.)
(The soldiers and Doctor walk through the caves.)
DOCTOR: Ground floor, caves, aliens, weapons of mass destruction. You lot be careful you don't miss those.
KENNET: Which way, Greaves?
DOCTOR: This way.
GREAVES: Oh, now he's driving.
DOCTOR: I can sense where the TARDIS is. If we encounter the creatures, you are not to open fire. Understand?
KENNET: You don't give my men orders, Doctor! Understand?
(A low roar fills the cave. The Doctor and Kennet look to its source. It's a slug-like monster with tendrils coming off the side. It's not a Shalka creature we've seen before but possibly related.)
KENNET: What is it?
(The creature approaches.)
GREAVES: A dirty great alien monster, sir! Just a guess.
(It roars at the soldiers. They all point their guns at it but maybe the Doctor's words got through to them, since they don't open fire.)
DOCTOR: Or rather dozens of them, joined together as a colony creature. On my mark, you men. Snap out of it and scatter. Mark!
KENNET: Grenades!
DOCTOR: Throw them into the corner, the sound will hurt it.
KENNET: You heard him.
(Grenades are thrown.)
DOCTOR: I'm afraid I just did give them orders and it felt so good.
(The Doctor runs at the creature just as the grenades go off. The cave collapses in, blocking him and the creature off from Kennet, Greaves and the soldiers. He's left face to face with the creature.)
KENNET: He did that deliberately.
(The creature roars at the Doctor.)
DOCTOR: The teeth are deliberate, aren't they? What a wonderful species. To have such control over what you're like. Excuse me, I hope I don't taste of boot polish.
(He climbs into the creature's mouth. It roars loudly.)
DOCTOR: That's it! Take me home, big boy!
(The Creature retreats further into the cave.
DOCTOR: Yee-haw!
[TARDIS]
(Two Shalka are in front of the open TARDIS, shrieking at it. The Master is stood in front of the console.)
MASTER: Every day presents a new challenge to one's dignity.
(An old style phone built into the console rings. The answer machine picks up. The Doctor sounds rather cheerful and actually chuckles at several points throughout the message.)
DOCTOR [VO]: You've reached the good ship TARDIS. We're rather busy at the moment. Leave a message after the beep and we'll try and get back to you before you called. Stop that!
(Beep)
MASTER: You really should change that message.
DOCTOR [VO]: Are you there?
MASTER: I'm trying to get there, you fool.
DOCTOR [VO]: Well, if you can hear me, have you considered setting up a secondary configuration suite? Nothing can generally get in, I know, but I've not encountered this lot before. There's something worryingly confident about them. Cheerio.
(Beep)
(The Master sighs before he pulls down a lever. The doors close.)
MASTER: Why did I choose continuing existence? Listening to him being right all the time, when I had the option of a slow, painful death.
[Shalka Lair]
(The creature enters the lair. roaring as it does.)
DOCTOR: Hello.
(Several Shalka look at him, confused.)
DOCTOR [OC]: Hello! This is so unexpected.
(He's stood in the creature's mouth.)
DOCTOR: Is there someone more famous further back in the monster?
(The TARDIS is behind the Shalka)
DOCTOR [OC]: Ha-ha, there the old girl is.
(The Doctor jumps out of the creature's mouth.)
DOCTOR: It's been lovely but I must be going.
(The Prime moves to block his path.)
PRIME: What are you?
DOCTOR: No, it's, “how are you?” And how are you?
PRIME: I am Prime, War Chief of the Shalka Confederacy.
DOCTOR: And that's, “Who are you?” I'm the Doctor. I'm from a highly-advanced alien species, entirely different league to you. I only come to this planet for the wine and the total eclipses. And I do love a nice, old fashioned invasion. I think this lot could certainly do with a spot of regime change.
(The Prime is suddenly surrounded by dozens of Shalka.)
DOCTOR [OC]: What a turnout! There must be,
(The Doctor's eyes dance across the screen.)
DOCTOR: Oh!
PRIME: A bridgehead force of 2000 Shalka. That's the information you wanted, isn't it?
DOCTOR: Shalka, eh? Never heard of you, so forgive me but you can't be all that. Aha. I like your wormhole.
(Behind the Shalka, there is a swirly glowing vortex.)
DOCTOR: Oh dear, do you call it that?
SHALKA: Instead of pretending to be a fool, just ask your questions.
DOCTOR: Well, I am slightly curious. Why did you only invade a tiny bit of Lancashire?
SHALKA: Our ambition is greater than that.
DOCTOR: Oh, you mean, Nottinghamshire. Like the humanoid form by the way, differentiates you you're your henchworm. You speak and breathe air, they don't.
PRIME: I value understanding my enemy.
DOCTOR: Do you?
PRIME: I've experienced so called human culture. The random noise of individual minds. Lower creatures such as humans aren't united like the Shalka.
DOCTOR: Your technology's based on sound built around your natural attack mechanism. Advanced enough to control a black hole and hollow out spaces like this. All within a few weeks. I'm impressed. You know, not that I care either way, and I hate to say it, but if it's a dying home world job, you don't need an invasion. The humans don't use the inside of their world. Rather than be their conquerors you could be their lodgers. Much more fun. Though you'd probably have to take a turn cleaning out Wookey Hole.
PRIME: Our home world is not dying. It is the centre of our empire of a billion worlds.
DOCTOR: Well, as the actress said to the bishop, “I'm not human and I don't care.” I'll just get out of your way.
PRIME: I think not, Doctor.
(The Prime screeches in his face.)
PRIME: I think you are a lower creature
too. (Alison is brought near a smoking crater. She has a X-shaped cut across her forehead.)
ALISON: Get off me! Get off me! Doctor!
PRIME: I think you have a lower creature's weaknesses, Doctor.
DOCTOR: Does this mean you're offering to cook?
(Alison is pushed closer to the pit)
ALISON: Please!
(She screams and the Prime laughs.)
DOCTOR: Stop it! I'll do whatever you want. Just don't hurt her!
PRIME: And being a lower creature, you will do as we say.
(A creature roars.)
[TARDIS]
(The doors open, revealing the Doctor.)
MASTER [OC]: Ah, my dear Doctor.
(The Doctor walks into the TARDIS.)
MASTER: Where have you been? Tell me that you haven't done something foolish. Again.
(The Doctor pulls a remote out of his pocket and presses it.)
MASTER [OC]: Well, I'm afraid that I won't,
(The Master leans forward and his face opens, revealing robotic insides. The Prime appears at the Doctor's side.)
PRIME: Is this all? A simple toy? It was hardly worth your humiliation.
[Cave]
(The soldiers run around a corner, chased by Shalka.)
GREAVES: More alien monsters, sir. I make it three, at least.
KENNET: We're not going to make it that way either.
(The Shalka approach, shrieking.)
KENNET [OC]: Retreat! Retreat!
[Prison cell]
(Alison and the Doctor are stood in a Shalka made cell.)
ALISON: I didn't,I didn't do anything.
DOCTOR: Shush,
ALISON: I wasn't,
DOCTOR: Shush! What are you doing down here?
ALISON: They grabbed me. That sound they make. Protect me from the lava.
DOCTOR: I should have let you die.
ALISON: Oh, cheers!
DOCTOR: They have thought that was who I was then. The detached alien observer, but no, as always only the monsters know me. Only they know how weak I really am.
ALISON: You gave in because they threatened me. Anyone would have done that.
DOCTOR: Well, I did try to do something else last time this happened. Which is why I told myself that I would never get into a situation like this again.
ALISON: What happened?
(The Doctor sighs.)
DOCTOR: Doesn't matter.
ALISON: Talk to me. This is not my fault. How do we get out of this?
DOCTOR: If it was just me I'd improvise something. These days when I have someone else to worry about, Why couldn't you have offered to sacrifice yourself? It was all down to me!
ALISON: I'm not going to sacrifice myself for Lannet. It's the dullest place in the Universe.
DOCTOR: Oh, I think not. You should see my home planet.
ALISON: I was thinking about leaving when all this happened.
DOCTOR: What, you were about to leave Joe?
ALISON: I don't know. Maybe I was hoping he'd come with me.
DOCTOR: Did he know how you felt?
ALISON: I was just starting to tell him how unhappy I was, only when the place got invaded by aliens and, hey, priorities. And now I'm just hoping he doesn't get, you know, killed, because that would be so bad now with things up in the air between us and everything. Oh, that's really selfish of me, right?
DOCTOR: No, I understand exactly and completely, believe me.
(Alison lets out a cry of pain and puts her hand on her head.)
ALISON: My head!
DOCTOR: Where did you get that wound?
ALISON: I don't know. Maybe when the,When the house exploded. I've been getting headaches ever since they brought me down here.
DOCTOR: It'll be the atmosphere. Prime keeps air circulating down here rather than slipping in and out of its lungs. But there's a lot of volcanic gas around.
(He holds up an inhaler and presses it.)
DOCTOR: Do you fancy a puff of my huffer?
ALISON: Ooh!
(The door to the cell opens. The Prime opens.)
PRIME: We now understand the principles of your craft.
DOCTOR: Do you? Could you explain it to me?
PRIME: A simple cause and effect device. The usual lower creature conceits. Its operation will prove well within our abilities. So, now you die.
[Shalka lair]
(Surrounded by Shalka, the Doctor and Alison are placed in front of the Shalka Wormhole.)
DOCTOR: Your plaintive cries didn't help.
ALISON: Shush.
PRIME: The space time tunnel to our home world is created by sonic control of a singularity. Set like this, it can transport our armies instantly across thousands of light years. Set like this,
(She presses a button. The orange-yellow wormhole turns into a blue spinning tunnel of lighting energy and death.)
PRIME: It's a black hole again. It crushes whatever is thrown into it down to a mathematical point. We use it to dispose of our waste.
DOCTOR: What about her? You can't,
(A Shalka grabs the Doctor and holds him closer towards the black hole.)
ALISON: Leave him alone!
PRIME [OC]: Lower creatures always assume their cries will have some effect on us. It's very strange.
(The Prime start shrieking.)
DOCTOR: Alison!
(The Doctor is flung into the black hole.)
DOCTOR: Alison!